More than a dozen studies exploring whether or not narcissists can change have now been conducted… and they all point to the same conclusion: encouraging narcissists to feel more caring and compassionate reduces their narcissism… If narcissists are approached in a gentler way, many seem to soften emotionally.
But when they are compassionately reminded of the importance of their relationships - and how those relationships can help them achieve their goals - they can improve. Still there, but as you have probably experienced first hand, it sure doesn’t get used much. You need to help them build that empathy muscle.Ĭalling them a jerk or criticizing their behavior only makes them worse. Psychopaths can’t feel empathy.įor narcissists, empathy is more like an underdeveloped muscle. But it also holds the secret to helping narcissists get better…Īll psychopaths are narcissists, but not all narcissists are psychopaths. The childhood of a narcissist is sad and a little scary. (To learn more about the science of a successful life, check out my new book here.) You stop trying to soothe your insecurities by relying on people and instead turn to a fantasy self where you are superior. Better looking, more talented, smarter or more accomplished. You stop trying to get your emotional needs met from love and instead try to be special - better than others. When you can’t count on empathy from those around you, you stop trusting, and you feel ashamed of your normal human frailties. They weren’t appreciated for just being themselves they were only celebrated for what they achieved. Malkin explains that narcissists weren’t given secure love when growing up. When people suffer from depression, anxiety or borderline personality disorder we tend to feel sympathy but with narcissism we often moralize and say they’re “bad.” That’s like feeling sorry for people with tuberculosis but saying those with meningitis are a bunch of jerks who had it coming. The difference between narcissists and the rest of us is one of degree, not kind.Įxtreme narcissism is a disorder, and to help those who have it we need to remember it’s a disorder. Likewise, corporate leaders with moderate narcissism are rated by their employees as far more effective than those with too little or too much…. And a growing body of recent research concludes that a little narcissism, in adolescence, helps the young survive the Sturm und Drang of youth moderate teenage narcissists are less anxious and depressed and have far better relationships than their low and high narcissism peers. We need our grandiosity at times to feel happy and healthy. It’s when people go too far down the spectrum into “malignant” narcissism that we get the entitlement, exploitation, and other assorted nastiness narcissists are so well known for.įrom Rethinking Narcissism: The Bad - and Surprising Good - About Feeling Special: Without them you’d deal with crippling low self-esteem, Eeyore. Turns out we all have some narcissistic traits and they’re normal, natural and, frankly, essential. (Not that narcissists need to get better - hey, they’re “perfect”, right?) Craig Malkin is a psychologist at Harvard Medical School and his new book Rethinking Narcissism: The Bad - and Surprising Good - About Feeling Special offers some hope.Ī lot of what you know about narcissists is wrong and there are proven ways to not only deal with them but to help them get better.
So how do you deal with a narcissist when saying “MEEP-MEEP” and sprinting away Road-Runner-style isn’t an option?ĭr. It’s their best friend and they can’t in good conscience abandon them. It’s their spouse and they have kids together. (Though at this point you probably feel like a very frazzled one.)īut I received a lot of responses from readers basically saying: What do I do if I can’t leave? Is there any way to make them change? Personality disorders are notoriously difficult to treat, cluster B’s are notoriously difficult to deal with, and you’re not a therapist.
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I’ve broken down the research on how to handle narcissists, borderlines, psychopaths and other “cluster B” troublemakers, and the primary answer is always the same: Is that difficult someone driving you up the wall? What’s the best way to handle impossible people? Before we commence with the festivities, I wanted to thank everyone for helping my first book become a Wall Street Journal bestseller.
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